![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
After the Encounter with Hanguang-Jun
Feb. 27th, 2021 12:16 pmJiang Cheng remembers little of his retreat - and it is a retreat; he did not come out the winner in that miserably tense encounter - back to Lotus Pier. It is a haze of red, anger coiling so tightly within his chest that it hurts. He doesn't recall whether he warned his disciples or not as he took to his sword, seeking the quickest way back with the least amount of interaction.
His face it still not thick enough to go up against the Second-Jade of Lan.
Descending into the courtyard, his brain full of heat and his heart full of hurt, he steps from his sword to the ground to the yapping of dogs and the squealing of his nephew as he chases after the pack. Jiang Chien doesn't think, he doesn't hesitate, before he snarls, "Shut these animals up! It's too loud!" It also doesn't dawn on him that he's adding to the clamor, as he strides angrily across the space, ignoring the lifted arms of A'Ling entirely.
It's not that he wants to ignore the boy. Sometimes it hurts too much to look at him, much less be kind.
He storms into his private rooms and sits down heavily on his bed. He's tired. But then, he's always tired. The rage that fuels him burns quickly and leaves him spent. He repeats the exchanges between himself and Hanguang-Jun in his memory, sharply focusing on what he could have said, what he should have said - and what he should not have said.
No, fuck that. He was well within his rights to say every damn thing he did. He simply wishes he'd said it all with more wit and cleverness instead of with tongue-tied fury.
What he would like to do right now is sprawl on his back and stare at the ceiling until sleep takes him. But that wouldn't do. He has things he must attend to, and he's squandered enough of the day on this ridiculous confrontation.
He stands, straightens his robes. He can't hear barking and yapping any longer, but he can hear, at a muffled distance, the sound of A'Ling's screeching mid-tantrum.
Jiang Cheng covers his face with his hands. He didn't mean to make A'Ling cry. But then, he never means to make A'Ling cry. Somehow he ends up doing it on a regular basis anyway. It kills him a little each time, but he can't seem to do anything to change it.
He pushes his failings out of his mind and decides to throw himself into the work he's missed. The juniors will have slacked off the entire morning and afternoon with him and the others gone, he has no doubt.
He skips dinner after drilling the disciples mercilessly. He's not hungry. And he isn't ready to face his nephew. There are too many thoughts scraping through his head and too much pain in his heart to deal with that little face that looks so much like his most beloved and most missed person when he tilts his head up and smiles.
Sometimes he wishes...
He doesn't like to waste time on wishing.
He shuts himself away in the evening, doing the accounts and correspondence until the wee hours. He finally goes to bed when his eyes are too heavy to keep open. Maybe he'll even sleep.
Shijie stands beside him on the cliff. She's younger than she was, and her hands are clasped in front of her, her brow furrowed with worry.
"A-Cheng," she says, her voice soft, pleading. She looks down.
His brother is there hanging off the ledge, tethered to the cliff only by Lan Wangji's hand. Wei Wuxian's eyes are closed, his mouth bloody.
Jiang Cheng raises his sword. He can't stop. Not even when Jiejie screams, not even when she flails at his arm.
The last thing he sees before he brings the sword down is A'Xian's face. His eyes are open and his smile is soft, full of love, as he falls....
Jiang Cheng wakes with a start, the sky pearling into the grey before dawn. He hates the dreams in which his brother smiles up at him the most of all the nightmares that haunt him.
He throws the covers off and washes his face, combs his hair, and hastily dresses. Lotus Pier is quiet and still. Even in the kitchens, not much is stirring this early. Jiang Cheng keeps his footfalls silent as he heads for the rooms where Jin Rulan, the heir of Carp Tower and Lotus Pier, sleeps and plays his days away.
Entering the boy's bedroom, he stops by the sliding door and watches him sleep. A'Ling sprawls like a starfish on his little bed, taking up the entire thing. The boy's breathing raises the coverlet up and down. His nurse sleeps on a cot at the foot of the bed, huddled in a soft lump. Jiang Cheng sneaks closer, not wanting to wake either. He settles down on his knees beside the bed, and he traces on finger gently over the boy's outstretched hand. A'Ling's hand grasps his finger, and the boy's eyes flutter open.
"Jiù Jiu?"
"Good morning. Want to go wake the fish?"
A'Ling sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and smiling. He loves it when his Jiù Jiu wakes him up like this. This is pretty much the only time he'll wake up without a fuss.
Jiang Chien hears a ghost of a sigh in his mind. "Oh, A-Cheng...
He reaches his arms out and the boy scrambles into them. Jiang Cheng lifts him up into his arms and carries him out to the pier. Waking the fish is an honored tradition at Lotus Pier. It used to be a daily ritual. It's less regular now, but Jiang Cheng wakes early enough often enough that it persists. A'Ling is much heavier in his arms these days, but that is well.
His nephew's head rests under his chin as he walks, and Jiang Cheng breathes in the fresh scent of little boy. The water glistens under the rising sun. The lotuses are not in bloom yet, but they are close, so close, to flowering now that Jiang Cheng can smell them. It is beautiful, it is home, and no matter the mistakes he makes and the sleep that never comes, he is here, with his most cherished nephew warm and safe in his arms. They reach the end of the pier where the boats rock against the dock, and Jiang Cheng kisses A'Ling on the head.
"Ready?" he asks, voice hushed.
The boy nods his head and giggles. Then he calls out, his voice bright and loud, "Wake up, lazy fish! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
Jiang Cheng joins him in calling the fish out of their slumber. A'Ling laughs and laughs, and finally, as the rock in his heart rolls away like a stone, Jiang Cheng joins him.
His face it still not thick enough to go up against the Second-Jade of Lan.
Descending into the courtyard, his brain full of heat and his heart full of hurt, he steps from his sword to the ground to the yapping of dogs and the squealing of his nephew as he chases after the pack. Jiang Chien doesn't think, he doesn't hesitate, before he snarls, "Shut these animals up! It's too loud!" It also doesn't dawn on him that he's adding to the clamor, as he strides angrily across the space, ignoring the lifted arms of A'Ling entirely.
It's not that he wants to ignore the boy. Sometimes it hurts too much to look at him, much less be kind.
He storms into his private rooms and sits down heavily on his bed. He's tired. But then, he's always tired. The rage that fuels him burns quickly and leaves him spent. He repeats the exchanges between himself and Hanguang-Jun in his memory, sharply focusing on what he could have said, what he should have said - and what he should not have said.
No, fuck that. He was well within his rights to say every damn thing he did. He simply wishes he'd said it all with more wit and cleverness instead of with tongue-tied fury.
What he would like to do right now is sprawl on his back and stare at the ceiling until sleep takes him. But that wouldn't do. He has things he must attend to, and he's squandered enough of the day on this ridiculous confrontation.
He stands, straightens his robes. He can't hear barking and yapping any longer, but he can hear, at a muffled distance, the sound of A'Ling's screeching mid-tantrum.
Jiang Cheng covers his face with his hands. He didn't mean to make A'Ling cry. But then, he never means to make A'Ling cry. Somehow he ends up doing it on a regular basis anyway. It kills him a little each time, but he can't seem to do anything to change it.
He pushes his failings out of his mind and decides to throw himself into the work he's missed. The juniors will have slacked off the entire morning and afternoon with him and the others gone, he has no doubt.
He skips dinner after drilling the disciples mercilessly. He's not hungry. And he isn't ready to face his nephew. There are too many thoughts scraping through his head and too much pain in his heart to deal with that little face that looks so much like his most beloved and most missed person when he tilts his head up and smiles.
Sometimes he wishes...
He doesn't like to waste time on wishing.
He shuts himself away in the evening, doing the accounts and correspondence until the wee hours. He finally goes to bed when his eyes are too heavy to keep open. Maybe he'll even sleep.
Shijie stands beside him on the cliff. She's younger than she was, and her hands are clasped in front of her, her brow furrowed with worry.
"A-Cheng," she says, her voice soft, pleading. She looks down.
His brother is there hanging off the ledge, tethered to the cliff only by Lan Wangji's hand. Wei Wuxian's eyes are closed, his mouth bloody.
Jiang Cheng raises his sword. He can't stop. Not even when Jiejie screams, not even when she flails at his arm.
The last thing he sees before he brings the sword down is A'Xian's face. His eyes are open and his smile is soft, full of love, as he falls....
Jiang Cheng wakes with a start, the sky pearling into the grey before dawn. He hates the dreams in which his brother smiles up at him the most of all the nightmares that haunt him.
He throws the covers off and washes his face, combs his hair, and hastily dresses. Lotus Pier is quiet and still. Even in the kitchens, not much is stirring this early. Jiang Cheng keeps his footfalls silent as he heads for the rooms where Jin Rulan, the heir of Carp Tower and Lotus Pier, sleeps and plays his days away.
Entering the boy's bedroom, he stops by the sliding door and watches him sleep. A'Ling sprawls like a starfish on his little bed, taking up the entire thing. The boy's breathing raises the coverlet up and down. His nurse sleeps on a cot at the foot of the bed, huddled in a soft lump. Jiang Cheng sneaks closer, not wanting to wake either. He settles down on his knees beside the bed, and he traces on finger gently over the boy's outstretched hand. A'Ling's hand grasps his finger, and the boy's eyes flutter open.
"Jiù Jiu?"
"Good morning. Want to go wake the fish?"
A'Ling sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and smiling. He loves it when his Jiù Jiu wakes him up like this. This is pretty much the only time he'll wake up without a fuss.
Jiang Chien hears a ghost of a sigh in his mind. "Oh, A-Cheng...
He reaches his arms out and the boy scrambles into them. Jiang Cheng lifts him up into his arms and carries him out to the pier. Waking the fish is an honored tradition at Lotus Pier. It used to be a daily ritual. It's less regular now, but Jiang Cheng wakes early enough often enough that it persists. A'Ling is much heavier in his arms these days, but that is well.
His nephew's head rests under his chin as he walks, and Jiang Cheng breathes in the fresh scent of little boy. The water glistens under the rising sun. The lotuses are not in bloom yet, but they are close, so close, to flowering now that Jiang Cheng can smell them. It is beautiful, it is home, and no matter the mistakes he makes and the sleep that never comes, he is here, with his most cherished nephew warm and safe in his arms. They reach the end of the pier where the boats rock against the dock, and Jiang Cheng kisses A'Ling on the head.
"Ready?" he asks, voice hushed.
The boy nods his head and giggles. Then he calls out, his voice bright and loud, "Wake up, lazy fish! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
Jiang Cheng joins him in calling the fish out of their slumber. A'Ling laughs and laughs, and finally, as the rock in his heart rolls away like a stone, Jiang Cheng joins him.
